I am ridiculously bad at keeping up on updating blogs. This is why I was always bad at keeping a journal too. I would often buy a beautiful fresh journal only to use it for a short time and then forget about it forever. I have made a vow to myself to become better about writing and doing all things that will improve Millie, the person and not the abstraction that I tend to view myself as. I have decided that I really need to work on getting back to the crazy overzealous ambitious achiever that I used to be. I have become instead a lazy and demure young woman. I'm starting to not like myself and that makes me incredibly sad. I really hate to blame my ex-boyfriend, because I don't hate him. I think he's just a very confused guy, who has no idea what he wants and is too self-involved to really be good to anyone else. I just think that being with him extinguished some sort of fire that I had inside me. I tried to put him first for too long. I know I should stop talking to him, and that even being friends with him will hurt me but somehow I'm always back at the same place. I wonder if there is relationship rehab where you get all the negative crap out of your system. I want to be confident. I honestly really look up to my brother's girlfriend. I respect her so much. I kind of want to emulate her. I feel that she is the best female role model I have in my life. I love my mother, but I feel that I am making the same mistakes with my life that she did. I never want to turn out like my mother. I have to go by the old adage, if you don't like your life change it. I have been so closed up and brought down by disappointment over the last eight months. Now I must finally strike out and do something different. I need to get my shit together. Step one is making myself a daily schedule. I know it sounds ridiculous but I do think that it will work to help me get back on track. Ok I'm out. I will be back frequently to update progress.

 
It has occurred to me that over the last several months I have become obsessed with an online game. What is worse is that said game is completely lame. It's on Facebook, there are no graphics, and the worse part is that it's called Sorority Life. Alas, I play it all day when I'm not working. This is of course between the times I spend looking for a third job/new full time job, exercising, eating back all my calories, and watching reruns of Wife Swap on Lifetime. I wish that I could stop, but now I play strictly out of compulsion and boredom. I have never played an online game before, and now I can't stop. 

I think the game appeals to any girl's inner cattiness. I believe this is why the community of players is nearly all women and gay men. All of the avatars are thin in appearance, and the way you earn points is by having the most accessories; that way you can beat your enemies in a fight as well as attend more prestigious events. My avatar can buy a variety of outfits, handbags (like Coach and Prada), and cars (ranging from a Prius to a Hummer Limo, yeah that one makes no sense). If I want to dish out money to the makers of the game I can purchase "brownie points," that are usually awarded by the house mother for good behavior. These brownie points allow me to purchase more rare items, such as Miss USA 2009's ball gown. All of these cool accessories enable me to beat bitches down in a fight. Now, I was in a sorority for nearly four years and I don't remember ever fighting girls in other houses. Though that would have been fun. To quote a great MTV Gauntlet alumni, "I don't wrestle, I beat bitches up." I love that with anonymity and with little to no discretion I can beat girls up until they are terminally depressed. Once this happens I am awarded more and more points, sometimes even the brownie kind.

Another aspect of the game is that in order to beat other people I have to have a large "house." That means getting other players within in the game to join your sorority. Since I don't have that many friends on Facebook, who also play Sorority Life. I have joined an online community in which players give out their Facebook profiles so we can become "friends," because you can only have friends in your sorority. Then once we have joined houses I can delete them. This is caused by a loophole in the game where players need to be friends to join together but not afterwards. I believe this adding of strangers is one of the most appealing aspects of the game. 

This adding of hundreds of people I have never met has allowed me to become a voyeur in the most curious way. I have to look at their profiles to delete them. I can learn about a girl in Greece, who I will never ever meet. I can see her pictures, where she goes to school, and what are her favorite television shows. For a brief second I feel like I know her, and that if she wants she can know me too. Maybe if I ever went to Greece we could hang out. She could show me the islands and how to drink Ouzo without vomiting. We could become BFFs and have these great adventures, maybe we would go to Africa. I've always wanted to see Tunisia. She would tell me what exactly what was in Gyro meat, so I would never had to question my food choice at the Chicago airport again. It could be the most beautiful thing ever. Instead I press delete. I am once again back in the small apartment I share with my mother. I am still in California and I am still broke, but at least I'm now at level 37.